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[personal profile] yobotron
My little black dress with the embroidered rosebuds and the red petticoat is officially too small for me. This is a tragedy. It probably means my space dress is too small too.
So I gotta diet. I hate dieting. Not because I love eating burgers and cheetos so much that it is miserable without them. I actually love healthy food. I hate preparing it. I am a good cook but shopping and cooking and cleaning up after a family of four, two of whom have special diets is a pain in the ass. And now add ANOTHER special diet? This Kale isn't going to roast itself!
The problem is, I am good at stuff. No, bear with me. I am GOOD AT MOST STUFF. Except dieting. I am shit at dieting. I have not had a 6 month period since I was 12 that I was not on some sort of diet. I am an EXPERT at dieting yet I still fail. There is so much PTSD around it that I decided to just be fat and happy. But not if it means that my pretty dresses don't fit.
It's ridiculous that a grown adult has so much trauma surrounding such a simple subject. Calories in = Calories out. 3500 calories equals one pound. Cut your calories by 500 a day and you'll lose a pound a week. Low Carb, Low Fat, Liquid Diet, Vegetarian, Blood Type diet, Scarsdale Diet, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, Optifast, Medifast, Lap Band, Gastric Bypass surgery, "Mediterranean Diet". The list goes on. I have failed at all these things. All the people who say "oh Sharon is so talented yadda yadda". Sure. I can crochet but I can't handle simple math.
The other day I went to the dietician and I asked her if she was ever fat. She says "no". How can you be an expert on dieting if you've never dieted? I ask her for advice, she puts my weight into a FORMULA. THAT IS PROBABLY IN EXCEL. Guess what she comes up with? Reduce your calories by 500 a day and increase your excercise. WTF? THAT WAS THE SECRET ALL ALONG? HOLY SHIT!!!!! I WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME THAT IN FUCKING 1982!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, so I decided maybe being fat is just a thing that I am going to be. Maybe I need to just move along and accept myself and try to "decide I'm beautiful the way I am". I've been working on that but FUCK. MY PRETTY DRESSES. This is NOT OK. I DON'T NEED ANOTHER DIET, I NEED THERAPY.
Not putting this on Facebook because concern trolls. Please don't concern troll me. My health is fine. I have great blood pressure (120/70) and blood sugar and my cholesterol and tryglicerides and all that other shit they test you for is FINE. I can even most of the time walk up stairs without getting winded. But seriously? I am carrying an extra 100 pounds. I should get to be winded when I heft that up the stairs.

Date: 2015-09-14 07:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sistawendy.livejournal.com
Dieting is bad. Permanent changes in eating habits are good. And before I hear anyone wail, "But that's a permanent diet!" Let me say this: yes, in a sense it is.

However, most people are capable of changing their own appetites. It takes time and it takes consistency. I see no reason why you can't do it.

And don't forget the "calories out" part. I've learned through bitter experience that I can't keep my weight where I want it unless I exercise. Make a schedule and keep it. It doesn't matter how you do it as long as you don't injure yourself. After a couple of months, you'll be in the groove.

And yes, I've been fat, at least forty pounds heavier than I am now at one point.

Date: 2015-09-14 07:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] princessgeek.livejournal.com
Sure, i get the whole "permanent lifestyle change" thing. You can't read a diet book or talk to a dietitian without hearing that.

But...every time I think about it I get some sort of self-hate trigger thing going. It's exhausting to feel such negative feelings everytime you eat. That's why I just gave up and quit acknowledging the problem. I got sick of feeling that way every day. I can't imagine feeling that way every day for the rest of my life.

It's one thing to stop smoking. You don't have to smoke daily to live. In fact, the most successful diets I've ever been on have been starvation diets, because there's no planning and no hating yourself every time you cut up a carrot. I'm not saying it's impossible, but something like 35 years of failure tells me that "eat less, exercise more" just can't be the answer. At least not for me. I guess I'm going to seek some sort of therapy to at least make some attempt to care enough about myself on the way.

Date: 2015-09-16 03:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxfyre.livejournal.com
All I can say is that I was never even slightly successful with making diet and fitness changes until I got some therapy and dealt with all of the ridiculous guilt/shame/self-loathing I kept heaping on myself every time I tried to do better. So maybe you're on to something with that idea. In any case, whatever you decide to do, I wish you success!

Date: 2015-09-15 04:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] animimi.livejournal.com
Holy shit, do I get this.

Wow. A dietician without ever having being fat. I guess the kindest thing I can say is, "how great for her."

Date: 2015-09-16 07:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] electriclime.livejournal.com
I'm my own worse enemy. I know math and I get the calories in and exercise and everything.
I know HOW to do it.
But then I want to start and instead end up eating twice as bad and exercise half as much.

It's almost as if I'm programmed to fail.

Progress

Date: 2015-09-16 08:15 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Well, I made some progress. I found a therapist/psychiatrist guy that I thought would be the right one for my issues. Called on the PHONE. If you know me, you know how big a deal it is for me to initiate a call with a stranger. Anyway, they weren't accepting new patients so i tearily gave them my number for the waiting list. I felt like I had taken such a big step, only to be shut down.

So I went on my insurance website, and picked the one that was closest to my work, and sent an email requesting a consultation. There's like 20 doctors in the practice so someone will fit reasonably well.

I decided to talk to a therapist because in my life there are two options. Be happy with being fat (need help with that for sure) or get over whatever is blocking me from losing weight. They might be the same thing. Doing nothing won't help though and diets probably would help but not without some mental scrubbing.

ok bye.

Re: Progress

Date: 2015-09-16 08:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] princessgeek.livejournal.com
That's me not anonymous. dur

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Sharon Bruhn

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