One reason I don't work out

[yobotron]

Main reason is because I hate it but I know you can get over that.

Another reason is my arms. They will never be normal. I lost over 100 pounds twice and without surgery (which involves incisions from the armpit to the elbow) I will never be comfortable in a tank top, sleeveless dress, or bathing suit. I might wear them but I will probably be drinking so that I don't think about it.

I will never want a picture taken that is not just my face. Never. Because there is no way to hide them. Even with long sleeves. I could be a size 2 and I would still look like a whale because of my arms. So what is the point?

I know my husband my friends etc don't care. You think I'm pretty and nice whatever. But about 75% of the world discards me as a useless piece of flesh because I have fat arms. Pretending that doesn't bother me is really hard sometimes. And working out is just a nice long spell where I get to feel helpless, disgusting, and worthless.

Comments

[electriclime.livejournal.com]

I totally get what you're saying. My family carry our weight in certain areas and it seems it's the ones that are IMPOSSIBLE to get rid of - like upper back and arms.

I feel the same way as you - but about stretch marks. I'll never wear a bikini, but I don't miss it because I don't think I've EVER worn one after 9 years old. It's just a thing that, no matter what I fucking do, I can't get rid of unless I want to have surgery and quite frankly, I can't justify the money just for vanity reasons.

I think you are gorgeous and I know that doesn't mean jackshit, but it's true nonetheless.

[princessgeek.livejournal.com]

It does help. I mean I know I'm lucky to have a job and a house and blah blah. I know I'm not hideous, or disgusting, it's just some days you feel like it, y'know?

What happened is we went out to lunch and i thought I looked really cute (and I did, I posted the pic on FB) but there was a second picture of Tim and I where I just look like a disgusting weirdo. I was talking or something and i had an ugly face and my arms make me look like I did when I was 350 pounds. It made me sad that I won't ever have a picture of me that I'm happy with unless it's just my face. Oh well, such is life. It goes on.

[electriclime.livejournal.com]

There's a reason I have my FB settings to not show pictures put up by others that I am tagged in.
To be honest - I absolutely hate the picture Chris has as his FB image (it has me in it). HE looks great..I look like a dumbass.

He loves it and I just don't get it. I don't. It's one of the worse pictures I've seen of me so I just can't fucking understand his point of view on my looks AT ALL.

I disagree with you on 'never' being able to like your pictures. You've come very far and you've been through a shitstorm of health issues. I think there will be a day where it's calm, you are healthy and you will say "Fuck yeah. I've come so GD far".

I have faith in this.
One day you'll see what we see. Just as I'm sure one day I'll see what Chris sees.

[princessgeek.livejournal.com]

oh maybe, or maybe one day (and I do get there some days) I'll think FUCK IT. Drink my wine and let my freaky fat flag fly. Seriously, we're awesome.

[sine.livejournal.com]

you are awesome, though. when i first met you i thought you were cute and didn't notice your arms, to be honest (it was a party at house of o. you brought a giant cooler of jell-o shots. i remember this not for a creepy reason but becuase it was my first party there).

i hear you, though. i posted a current pictur eof me on fb as a favor to an old friend and it was excruciating, especially after people said not to take it down. sometimes i want to go back and take it down. sometimes i want to make it my profile picture because it's one of the few pictures of me that doesn't make me cry. it just makes me sad. but that's me. this is about you, and i really do think you're awesome. so there.

[azzy23.livejournal.com]

I HAVE THE EXACT SAME PHOBIA!!

Seriously. I thought I was a freak. I mean, I know logically that arms are arms, and they all look like arms... and that I have very typical late-30s-fat-lady-arms, and honestly... probably not even that bad.

BUT I CANNOT BEAR TO SEE THEM.

And I cannot bear anyone else to see them. It was absolutely heartbreaking to shop for a wedding dress. Apparently all brides are bare from the collarbones to the wrist.

I'm totally going to get my surgically fixed, if I ever lose enough weight to justify it. Because see... I'm totally anti-plastic surgery (my mom has had TONS of it)... except for this. Any excuse I can find, I will do this. And I feel ashamed for saying that...

But I'm tired of hating any part of myself, especially one so random.

I'M A TRAITOR. *cry*