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I made a set of hats for a coworker who is having twins - I have since changed the 1 to 01 because apparently you have to have that for it to be a good joke.


Then this morning on the way to work, I crocheted this hat for the pussy hat project. It's for the women who are marching on washington on 1/21. Crocheters and knitters around the country are making hats for them to wear! You can even track your hat to see where it goes! Also found out that the yarn I use for this hat is on sale for $2 a skein! Score! Going to get more tonight. I didn't know I was going to finish so fast so I don't have enough yarn to crochet on the way home. I guess I'll have to bring more from now on.

I just got scheduled into a meeting from 3-4 on a Friday before a holiday weekend. Rude.
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Had to have a blood draw yesterday and she took it out of my hand, which is fine, but it hurts and I have a big bruise now.  I guess my veins are hard to find. I joke that it is a Scottish ancestral trait that our veins are small and dodge being punctured since there's so many vampires in Scotland. Usually the phlebotomists are not amused and then just take it out of my hand. So far the blood tests are coming back normal, the ones that I've seen. I'm taking a shitton of vitamins to treat a high parathyroid level. it's been a month so if it's working, it should have come down by now.

Riding the bus/train to work is an interesting thing. Yesterday I witnessed a guy talking to his wife on the phone on the way home. He used phrases like "you are an amazing woman", "I feel closer to you now than I ever have" and "I know I've made mistakes, but I'm trying". EW. BARF. And then there's this lady in the back that has a laugh like a cackle that is driving me nutso and I'm pretty sure the guy sitting next to me has shit his pants. That said, it's pretty convenient for me and a hell of a lot better than driving over an hour and then paying $15 for parking. I could get a parking pass for the work lot for $100 a month but I don't drive enough to justify it. Maybe I could get the parking pass and then sell it to someone else haha.

current crochet project is coming along, I'm delaying doing the last part which is crocheting letters with skinny black yarn. It's hard to see the stitches and is in general a PITA. But I will prevail. I'm making two hats for my co-worker's babies that are due soon. They are Thing 1 and Thing 2 hats, only in binary (since he's a coding nerd) so Thing 01 and Thing 10. That's a lot of letters to crochet. But the hats are darling and I will post a picture of them as soon as they are done. I'm kind of afraid I don't have enough turquoise yarn to make good pompoms but I'll figure it out.

Work is good, I'm doing parts of several peoples jobs after they left but haven't seen any change in job description or title. I really want them to bump me from QA Supervisor to Software Development Manager since that's really what I'm doing. I don't care about a pay raise, I think I'm compensated fairly- I mean I wouldn't turn it down but the newspaper industry is struggling. I think I'm pretty safe in the IT part of the newspaper, since digital is the only part that actually makes money. They even mentioned in a meeting last month that they would probably eventually go to 6 day digital and print only on Sunday. That's a big thing to admit. Anyway, if I get the title of Software Development Manager, I'll have a better chance of finding an equivalent job faster if they go under.  It's really awkward to be in the newsroom in January because that's when the RIF notices go out, and I think they are going to lose a lot of people.

I miss my far away friends, and need to make more of an effort to see them.

I bought a fatkini for my trip to St. Lucia. I want to accept my body but it is hard. I'm going to try though. On me, the wiggliest part is the part that will show when I wear a bikini but I just have to deal. I also ordered some astaxanthin(sp?) because I took that before my last trip to a sunny place and I barely burned at all. It's an antioxidant so it surely wont HURT. If I post pictures of the fatkini it will be here probalby and not facebook. I'm not ready for that! I need a new profile picture that is not from 15 years ago. There. I changed it to a picture of me flipping off New York City. Went there in September to sing in carnegie hall. See? That's meeeee on the stage of Carnegie Hall! WOO! We even got a Standing O! Bucket list!


I think the angle of this shot makes me look like either Drew Barrymore or Jay Leno with the pointy chin. I should wear eyeliner when I perform. Jeez.
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Sorry, LJ. It's been forever. I haven't posted here in a long time because Facebook is so EASY and this seems like more of a commitment.

Moved to tacoma, bought a house, got married, Elder kid moved out, younger kid is gay and dating a trans girl, and the cat and dog are still assholes.

Currently working on lots of crochet projects on the bus/train ride to and from work. I made a shitton of dragon gloves and sent them to friends for christmas. I have a long queue so it will probably be after xmas when I finish all of them. In the queue, Hat for Andy (at work), Squid Hat for Tim, Dragon gloves for Tim and Danny's girlfriend Riley.

Here's something meaty:
I drink too much. I should probably stop. I think I will go dry in January and if I'm not able to do it, I am going to seek help. Probably not AA because I don't get into the whole god thing but maybe.

I would really love to be able to drink sometimes, I'm not ready to give it up completely but I might have to. In Finland they have a drug that blocks the dopamine response so it makes drinking less enjoyable, but isn't the stuff that makes you throw up.

Job: It's great, I am usually busy and I have a lot to do. A couple people above me left (Software Dev Manager and Product Manager) so I've been asking for title change since I am effectively scrum master and Software Dev manager and also QA supervisor. I want the MANAGER title. I don't care about the raise. The office would be nice. We'll see if I get it.

Love life: Wonderful as always although I pissed off Tim this morning when I made a hand signal as he was running a red light. I think he forgave me.

I think I need to listen to more music and watch less TV. 

FUCK

Jan. 24th, 2016 04:48 am
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it's 5am. I had to get up to let the dog out. Went to use the toilet and one of the kids has clogged up the toilet and then left it there and went to bed. For fuck's sake. Since when is just leaving it a valid option? Fucking google it, asshole. Mommy is over cleaning up your shit. Literally. I'm so sick of this kid taking advantage of my hospitality. I'm so fucking mad and then I think, ok I'll listen to my hypnosis thing but FUCKING NO. SOMEONE HAS COME INTO MY ROOM AND TAKEN MY FUCKING HEADPHONES. FOR FUCK'S SAKE.  So now I'm ranting on LiveJournal. Pathetic. I am NOT FIXING THAT TOILET. He can call a fucking plumber and pay them to do it but I'm not doing it. NEVER. MOMMY HAS LEFT THE FUCKING BUILDING. I'm so sick of my house being treated like a garbage dump. It feels so personal. I spent over 20 years dedicating my life to these assholes. ASSHOLES. Why can't someone take care of ME?
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My little black dress with the embroidered rosebuds and the red petticoat is officially too small for me. This is a tragedy. It probably means my space dress is too small too.
So I gotta diet. I hate dieting. Not because I love eating burgers and cheetos so much that it is miserable without them. I actually love healthy food. I hate preparing it. I am a good cook but shopping and cooking and cleaning up after a family of four, two of whom have special diets is a pain in the ass. And now add ANOTHER special diet? This Kale isn't going to roast itself!
The problem is, I am good at stuff. No, bear with me. I am GOOD AT MOST STUFF. Except dieting. I am shit at dieting. I have not had a 6 month period since I was 12 that I was not on some sort of diet. I am an EXPERT at dieting yet I still fail. There is so much PTSD around it that I decided to just be fat and happy. But not if it means that my pretty dresses don't fit.
It's ridiculous that a grown adult has so much trauma surrounding such a simple subject. Calories in = Calories out. 3500 calories equals one pound. Cut your calories by 500 a day and you'll lose a pound a week. Low Carb, Low Fat, Liquid Diet, Vegetarian, Blood Type diet, Scarsdale Diet, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, Optifast, Medifast, Lap Band, Gastric Bypass surgery, "Mediterranean Diet". The list goes on. I have failed at all these things. All the people who say "oh Sharon is so talented yadda yadda". Sure. I can crochet but I can't handle simple math.
The other day I went to the dietician and I asked her if she was ever fat. She says "no". How can you be an expert on dieting if you've never dieted? I ask her for advice, she puts my weight into a FORMULA. THAT IS PROBABLY IN EXCEL. Guess what she comes up with? Reduce your calories by 500 a day and increase your excercise. WTF? THAT WAS THE SECRET ALL ALONG? HOLY SHIT!!!!! I WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME THAT IN FUCKING 1982!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, so I decided maybe being fat is just a thing that I am going to be. Maybe I need to just move along and accept myself and try to "decide I'm beautiful the way I am". I've been working on that but FUCK. MY PRETTY DRESSES. This is NOT OK. I DON'T NEED ANOTHER DIET, I NEED THERAPY.
Not putting this on Facebook because concern trolls. Please don't concern troll me. My health is fine. I have great blood pressure (120/70) and blood sugar and my cholesterol and tryglicerides and all that other shit they test you for is FINE. I can even most of the time walk up stairs without getting winded. But seriously? I am carrying an extra 100 pounds. I should get to be winded when I heft that up the stairs.
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So about a year ago, I had an overzealous moment with a PedEgg. It's really Tim's fault because his feet are all soft and lovely (yes, lovely). Like if you were gonna massage feet, you'd probably pick his. So I was jealous cuz I'm the girl and I am supposed to have the pretty feet. Anyhoo, I guess I went too far because I've been struggling with my right foot since then. See if you don't wear shoes with heel cups, the skin gets all dried out and cracks and stuff, but if you do wear a shoe with a heel cup, it HURTS. So it's gotten to this stupid cycle where it hurts to walk, hurts to put on a shoe, but gets worse if I wear flipflops. Anyhoo, I've tried all the internet things and I'm going to a podiatrist on Monday for help.

I also had a tooth extracted on the 8th I think? Maybe it was the 1st. Anyway, the pain just isn't going away. Vicodin works but mostly because it makes me so high I don't care which I can't get away with at work. I did have a really yummy Chocolate Porter (Boulder Shake) at the bar at Whole Foods (yes there is a bar at whole foods) yesterday before I got on the bus and that helped. Maybe I'll do it again today.
So, I have these two stupid little pains that really aren't THAT big of a deal. But it's just this underlying constant pain that is turning me into a mega asshole. I am so on edge - I snapped this morning because I dropped the bottle of Tylenol.

Anyway, there are way bigger problems in the world, I'm a big fat baby. I couldn't post this on Facebook, that's how embarrassed I am that I am so affected by such a minor set of problems. I know people that hurt all the time every day, everywhere and they are not nearly as bitchy as me. I just know you guys will understand. Or at least laugh at me to my face.

WHINE

Oct. 21st, 2014 09:39 am
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I was supposed to go to a 3 hour orientation at the Unemployment office this morning. It took an hour to drive from Kirkland to Redmond, a distance of 5.9 miles, and I was 10 minutes late. They said to come back tomorrow.
Then I found out that my son skipped his college classes because he didn't ask me for a ride so there is NO WAY for him to get there. I think if you expect the magic taxi to anticipate your needs you are going to go hungry.
Both Tim and I are unemployed (Tim's last day is on Friday) and we will have no health insurance. I can't even muster up the energy to call the obamarcare thing to see if we qualify because I know they'll just say CONGRATULATIONS IT'S ONLY $500 a month!!! I am afraid to add up all the bills because I know we can't make it.  I understand that we are at some % of the poverty level so therefore don't qualify for any assistance on anything, even with us both on unemployment. But the rent still has to be paid.
I was thinking about going to get a part time job at Starbux (or to try anyway) so that I could get health insurance - that way I wouldn't get my unemployment but I'd still get insurance. But then I realized I can't work at sbux because i have pink hair.
I am NOT looking forward to unemployment with Tim and Ian at home together. Ian always skips school and he and Tim fight like wet cats and I seriously can't take it. Tim is constantly hinting that Ian should move out. Ian sits around the house playing some video game all the time, and complains that he is bored and has nothing to do.
I'm worried about taking another contract job that will just end up in me getting laid off again. I'm pushing the age bracket where they stop hiring you because you are old. I need to work for amazon or microsoft or at&t or boeing or someplace corporate where I can stay until I retire. But those places have huge employment databases and I have trouble getting noticed. I get interviews but it's normally with little game companies that probably won't exist in 10 years.
Unemployment is torture for the extrovert.

MOPEY

Jul. 16th, 2014 11:17 am
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So yesterday another lead asks me to fill in for him when he's out on vacation, and I tell him "I'd be glad to but I don't know if I'll be around for that long, you should ask Mark"). Apparently he did because then Mark pulled me into his office and said he didn't like to see me "MOPEY". I was like well what do you expect? You told me to start looking for another job? I'm supposed to be excited about that? And Plus I'm not MOPEY, I'm hung over from all the drinking I do when I get home from this job.

He thought that was funny and then proceeded to report to me the morale numbers (up to 9.6 out of 10 from 3). Guess who is in charge of Morale? ME. IT'S ALL ME. And he tells me he really doesn't want to lose me and how I contribute a lot yadda yadda. What. Ever.  I guess that means more time for me to find another job before I get fired. I think he's worried about his retention SLA and what happens to morale if the only person who does anything for Morale leaves.
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So I'm supposed to go to this management "offsite" thing on Thursday. But I don't see how I can. I can hardly hold it together until 5pm every day much less a thing where I'm supposed to "bond" and shit with the other managers. I mean, how am I supposed to be motivated to do anything when my boss basically told me I was going to be fired? Who does that? It's not like this job is all that great but walking in that door every day is just asking for more failure.

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So this morning, I'm driving into work, crying because the week-long headache that subsided a little over the weekend is back in full force. I know I've only been at my job for 5 months but I am ready to admit that I made a bad decision in taking this job and move on. The job as presented to me (manager with hire/fire, decision making and such) was a lie. I am basically a middle manager that has to constantly ask for permission. And then I'm asked to be proactive. But every time I make a decision without asking my  manager (there are 6) I am told I should have asked for permission. And then when I ask for permission, I'm told that I should be proactive. I wanted to fire a worker for being rude and insubordinate, but instead my manager threw me under the bus with my higher up manager (who I am not supposed to talk to about HR stuff because it makes us look bad). It's a constant struggle to force myself to come here daily. I am in charge of "morale" for a team of 85 people and there IS a budget, but not one of my expense reports has been paid. I refuse to spend any more money until I see those come back. You can't pay me this little and then ask me to dig into my pockets further. It's so disorganized and convoluted. Now we're interviewing people for other manager's teams, and people are being added to our teams without us even meeting them. It's ridiculous. I need out. I would rather be digging ditches. But the job market is fierce. You all know I'm not a whiner and I try to make things work when I can but I'm throwing up my hands.  Let me know if you hear of anything. I don't care if it's QA or Games or whatever. Thanks.
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Main reason is because I hate it but I know you can get over that.

Another reason is my arms. They will never be normal. I lost over 100 pounds twice and without surgery (which involves incisions from the armpit to the elbow) I will never be comfortable in a tank top, sleeveless dress, or bathing suit. I might wear them but I will probably be drinking so that I don't think about it.

I will never want a picture taken that is not just my face. Never. Because there is no way to hide them. Even with long sleeves. I could be a size 2 and I would still look like a whale because of my arms. So what is the point?

I know my husband my friends etc don't care. You think I'm pretty and nice whatever. But about 75% of the world discards me as a useless piece of flesh because I have fat arms. Pretending that doesn't bother me is really hard sometimes. And working out is just a nice long spell where I get to feel helpless, disgusting, and worthless.

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And I'm not going to say how long or how far I went because it's pathetic. But its SOMETHING for someone that hasn't exercised on purpose in oh, ever.  Ok maybe a little here and there. I'm sweaty so it counts. 

wtf

Jun. 25th, 2013 09:04 pm
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"I really like the newly designed LJ home page!" Said no one, ever.
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So first, I'm getting ready to go to the dentist this morning - I decide to drive rather than take the bus since the toll is actually less than the busfare, and seems like it would be more convenient. But...I can't find my phone charger. I look everywhere. Gah, so I go to the dentist with a dead phone, I have a charger at work (I thinK). So of course the traffic is awful, I leave home at 8:30am for a 9:20 appointment and I'm 10 minutes late. I can't call to tell them I'll be 10 minutes late because I HAVE NO PHONE. They get started and the air compressor stops working 1/2 hour into a 1 hour appointment. They call the maintenance guy. I can't just reschedule because at this point there are teeth everywhere. So I wait. Appointment takes 2 hours total and my teeth look slightly less like horse teeth now. But they hurt. Whatever. So I lose the parking ticket twice on the way to the parking lot, because now it's 11:45 and I have a meeting in Bellevue at noon. I am 5 minutes late for the meeting, get my phone plugged in, and its a meeting where I already knew all the info and have been testing the demo they showed for weeks. I can't even eat the pizza because I'm not eating solid food because it causes horrible horrible pain every time I eat. Last night it happened with cream of wheat. Ok so meeting over. I go to Starbucks to get a latte because although it's 12:30, I haven't had any food or water this morning yet.  When I get back, I have a painful bout of diarrhea. Because I'm awesome like that. And when I finally get back to my desk, I flop a little too hard and split my pants. WHY DO I NOT HAVE MY OWN SHOW YET?
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i went to the dr. today because my RLS (restless leg syndrome) is really bugging me lately and i'm having trouble sleeping. It's probably due to my iron levels being low (but not low enough to get an iron infusion) I'm supposed to be taking iron supplements 3x a day but anyone who has ever taken iron knows how hard that is to keep up. Plus with my surgically altered stomach, I'm not absorbing as much. If I take iron that doesn't have an enteric coating on it, I get tummy issues, if it has the coating on it, I don't absorb much. Anyway,the doctor suggested I try really really hard to take my iron for a few months and if I am compliant and it STILL doesn't go up, he'll consider infusion therapy. They don't like to do it because it is risky, they have to do it in the hospital (chemo center usually) because you can have a negative reaction even if you've done it before without one.

So also, he prescribed Klonopin (Klonopine?) for the RLS symptoms in the interim. Which kind of scares me. Isn't it super addictive? If I were an addict it would be pills all the way. Should I not take it? He only prescribed 20 pills so its not like i could take it forever. But isn't it dangerous? Didn't it kill a bunch of celebrities? I mean if it's something that people get addicted to it must be awesome and I totally want to try it. But I probably shouldn't, should I?
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I'm going today to see the surgeon who did a couple of surgeries on my guts (gastric sleeve, complications) and he also did the procedure that saved my dad's life a few weeks ago. Last time I saw him it was 3am and he just finished that one. Anyway, I've been having abdominal pain since November, the first time I went into the ER, it was November 10, the pain was SO BAD that I saw spots, thought I would pass out, prayed I would pass out. They took my gallbladder out. Who knows if that was what needed to happen but they said it was gangrenous so probably. I have had this same pain 4 more times, on 1/12, 2/20, 3/2, and 3/7. I went to the ER on 2/20 and they did a CT scan and didn't see much. The other times, I self medicated (booze, vicodin, benadryl) until I fell asleep and the pain went away. I'm all out of Vicodin now, so I need to get back to the doctor and figure this out. The main concern is that it could be a "Petersen's Hernia" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internal_hernia - which in layman's terms is when a loop of intestine gets caught in a hole they made during a previous surgery to get the trocars (thingers that hold other things during laparascopic surgery) through. It is basically like a "kink" in your intestine similar to a regular hernia (but on the inside). When you go to the ER with it, unless the doc is a bariatric surgeon, they kind of have no idea what it could be and do CT scans which are inconclusive 95% of the time unless read by a bariatric surgeon or radiologist familiar with the unique anatomy of a GBP patient. Anyhoo, it can be super dangerous (like you can die) if it gets strangulated and doesn't resolve on it's own.

As much as I don't want surgery again, I want to stop living in fear that this pain is going to come back. It seriously has been increasing in frequency and I'm totally scared its going to happen again and I'm all out of the good pain meds. I do have some mexcellents (tramadol) but I don't know how much I can take and since they were never prescribed for me, and they're like a year old, I mean it's like a crapshoot right? Anyway, I am hoping the news is something like "oh yeah we can fix this" and not "lets wait and see"

Spoilers

Feb. 18th, 2013 12:57 pm
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Read more... )

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I finished someone's birthday present!!!!!! Lalalallala!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Stand up!

Feb. 3rd, 2013 04:15 pm
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We had the SWC friends and family concert last night! It was super fun! I was really nervous for my solo. (It's like a 60 second story I tell, but it's really more like a comedy routine). Everyone said I did a great job and it felt good!

Always wanted to do standup, and this is just a little taste. it felt good. I'm excited about repeating it on Friday to a near-packed Benaroya hall!

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Dad update

Feb. 1st, 2013 10:52 am
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He is out of surgery, ventilator is out, already harassing the nurses. Looks like he's out of the woods.

And now Isleeeep

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